Process

Tap the ones you want to practice. They stay marked on this phone.

1. 1Pain comes with entering the arena. If you compete, lead, or parent, you will come up short "again and again."
2. 2This isn't about what you learn from failure later. It's about what happens in you while it's happening.
3. 3You've already survived being inside something terrible. Treat that as evidence.
4. 4The goal is to be alive in the difficulty, not to enjoy it and not to get through it as fast as possible.
5. 5Ask questions that go further in: "What is painful about this?" "Where do you feel it?" Avoid why, which sends people into their heads to explain.
6. 6The core move is to stay. Sit down, stop fixing, and let the silence run longer than feels reasonable.
7. 7Think of the ice bath. One person stays above it and manages, one goes under and endures, and one is in it, noticing. Same water, three different experiences.
8. 8Feel it now so you don't dwell on it later. Feelings that never land move into the story a person tells about himself.
9. 9Watch your own escape routes, like filling silence or offering fast, competent answers. In the window right after something breaks, an answer gets you both out of the room. Staying makes the person feel known, and you can do this for yourself too.
10. 10Know your limit. If a player stops eating or says he doesn't want to be here anymore, get him to someone trained for that. Once the heat is gone, switch to forward questions: "What matters to you here? What's the first small thing you could do this week?"